Stupid People Pay My Mortgage

Sorry I've been absent lately. Between a lingering chest cold and Hurricane Irma, I haven't been able to form a cohesive thought. Don't worry though, the stupidity has continued. Here are a few head scratchers that surfaced during my absence.

This picture was posted on a Facebook GSD group with the follow question:

"I noticed a couple of these near the groin. I check him often enough for ticks, and I think I would've caught it. Any idea what it could be?"

When someone finally told the OP that it was a nipple, an argument ensued because this dog was male and "boys don't have nipples." Seriously!


Ms. Russo called again about her dog Bear. She said that her neighbor has a brown dog with yella eyes and a cropped tail. She knows it's her dog, but Bear won't look at her when she calls him "because he's just too traumatized." Ms. Russo thinks the neighbor stole her dog and cut his tail to "disguise the crime. That way people couldn't see the identifying white spot." Too bad she never got around to getting that identifying microchip.

However, Ms. Russo said she had a great idea for Animal Control. She thinks that we ought to use our kennel to house everybody’s animals when they evacuate for the hurricane. We could make the City some money! My partner nicely explained to her that if it's unsafe for people to stay at the beach during the storm, it's unsafe for their pets as well. He even explained the Pets Evacuation and Transportation Standards Act of 2006 (PETS Act) to her. What a nice guy. I probably would have said something like “Are you really that stupid? No wonder your dog ran away!”

You would be surprised by how many people called asking us to shelter their animals during the hurricane. Luckily my partner, Mr. Nice Guy, handled most of the calls. Unfortunately, I was on phone duty when Mr. Stevens called.

Mr. Stevens said that last year during Hurricane Matthew we took care of his cats and he wanted to know if he can leave the cats with us again this time. I told him NO! I reminded Mr. Stevens that the only reason we had his cats was because he refused to evacuate without them. The police took his cats so he would leave. The cats were put in the top cage with extra food, water and litter boxes. The police department was forced to evacuate the city as well, and his cats sat alone in a dark, damp cinderblock building for two days until we were allowed back over the bridge. It took another three days for power to be restored. When I reminded Mr. Stevens that I called him for ten days to pick up his cats and almost charged with abandonment he said “Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” I told him I didn’t forget, and suggested he start looking for a boarding kennel now.

I had a guy call last week. He said that his girlfriend lived in Oceanside, the new Habitat for Humanity housing. They had a small teacup pig being shipped to them the following day and wanted to make sure that our laws would allow it. I told him no. The only pigs allowed in our city are miniature Vietnamese pot bellied pigs, anything else is a $500 ticket. Pot bellied pigs must be vaccinated and registered with the City. He was shocked. He said “I’ve done my research, and these pigs don’t get above 30 pounds.” I told him that he needed to do more research. All our ordinances are online. Unless he had a bona fide, purebred miniature Vietnamese potbellied pig -- sus scrofa vittatus -- he was in violation.

The same guy called back three hours later and asked “What if we register the as an emotional support animal? The pig costs $1500!” (Did I mention they live in Habitat for Humanity housing?) I told him that I knew his neighbors. The moment one of them complained about the pig -- and we both know they will -- I was writing him a $500 ticket. And I would continue to write tickets until the pig was removed from the City. I strongly suggested he either

1. Move to a town that allowed pet pigs or
2. Get a dog from the Humane Society and spend the other $1450 on something more practical.

He said he could still get his money back. I told him I thought that was a better idea. But between you and me, I’m expecting a pig complaint by Christmas.

On a personal note, I took Hermione to the vet for grooming on a Saturday morning. The place was crowded. Hubby and I sat in a corner waiting for our turn. A man came in with a toddler and started leading his child around the room, saying things like "See the doggy?" and "Where's the kitty?" He actually found it amusing that his child was banging on roughly petting dogs and sticking fingers in cat carriers. I glared. When the little brat came over to "Look at the birdie" Hermione squawked so loudly that the child ran away. Good Girl! We got called into the exam room before I could chastise the father. But I did post this snarky comment on Facebook:

Dear people with small children,

The vet's office IS NOT a petting zoo. If you must bring your kids along, please contain them. These animals are sick and/or stressed. The last thing they want is to be harassed by your toddler.

Some things just shouldn't have to be said!

Some days -- OK, most days -- I wonder "What is wrong with people?!" On those days I remind myself that stupid people pay my mortgage, albeit indirectly. Think about it: if common sense was really that common, I would probably be out of a job -- and you wouldn't get all these fun stories. So, let's hear it for the idiots! -- K