Crazy Poop Calls

Yes, that's poop in a bag.

A couple years ago I told you about Poopmeister, a resident who blew a gasket and started flinging poo like a chimpanzee. We all thought that was a poop story that couldn't be beat. We were wrong.

Last week I received a call from another exasperated resident. Her next door neighbor was hanging bags of poop from the electrical pole between them. It seems that whenever he found a stray pile of poop in his yard, he would bag it up and tie it to the pole. She said she's already cut down three bags and doesn't know what to do. I was empathetic, but had no idea how to help. So what did I do? Drive by and take a picture, of course!

Speaking of pictures, I have a resident who is frustrated with a neighbor's dog. She swears that the neighbor lets his dog poop in her yard. I told her that I didn't doubt it, but we couldn't act on her assumptions. She needed to see the dog "leaving a deposit" before I could write a citation. She never did catch the dog, but she left this on my voicemail:

There are three new lumps of poop in my yard. I took a picture of it. Do you want me to send it to you?

Uh, no.

I had a guy call me because he found poop in his garage. He wanted me to come out and identify the species of animal that left the feces behind. (It was ordinary cat poop. I was so disappointed.) I guess I'm a scatologist now!

Seriously, poop brings out the worst in people. Last month a woman called seething with anger. A Doberman was walking down her street without a leash. The caller wasn't upset about the lack of leash nor the breed of the dog. She was furious because the dog pooped in her yard and the owner didn't pick it up. The caller spent 15 minutes describing the dog owner in detail along with the three houses where he possibly lived. She was adamant that I find the dog owner and write him a ticket. Right now! By the way, she called back 5 minutes later to say never mind. The dog owner had come back with a bag and apologized.

And finally, TODAY'S crazy poop call: A man left a 3 minute complaint on my voicemail. He's said people walking past his house to the beach pick up after their dogs and throw the bags in his clean trashcan. "Today is trash day and now those bags are going to be in there for a week." He's tired of cleaning his trash can and wants a warning put out. He doesn't know who's doing it, but it happens all the time. I called him back, and he didn't like my answer. I understand he's frustrated but:

• It's the City's trashcan (our logo is on the top).
• He needs to bring the can in early. If it's on the street, it's fair game.
• The ordinance states that people must pick up after their dogs -- and that's what they're doing!
• He can nicely ask the neighbors to throw the poop away, but there isn't anything I can do because they are not breaking the rules.

I should introduce him to Poopmeisters 1 and 2. Maybe he'll feel better. (Probably not.)

One of the insults people like to throw around is "You don't know shit." I just laugh. Not only do I know it, shit pays my salary. -- K

More Crazy Work Stories

Not the ducks in question

Many of you have written me saying that you absolutely love the crazy work stories. Lucky for you, they're not in short supply. It seems that work has been extra crazy lately. Here are some of the calls I've had recently:

A woman called the police dispatcher to report ducks in her pool. She was frantic, afraid that they would drown. I arrived to find a female mallard and ducklings swimming in a pool that obviously hadn't been chlorinated in a very long time. The woman was upset because every time she'd scoop a duckling out with a net, it would jump right back in. (I DID NOT say something snarky.) I assured her that the mother would not let her babies drown, and the best thing to do would be leave them alone. However, to make her feel better we secured a float to the side of the pool so the ducklings could climb out. I would bet my last paycheck that they didn't use it.

Who else keeps newborn kittens on their desk?

One of my crazy cat ladies found a litter of kittens but couldn't find the mother. She said that she couldn't bottle feed them either because she has a job now. So, I picked up three two-day-old kittens. They couldn't stay in my kennel or else they would have starved to death. I couldn't find a foster family to take them until the following day so the babies came home with me for the night. It was awful. Kittens need to be fed every 3 hours. They also need to be stimulated to relieve themselves. Mama cats use their tongues; Kelley used a warm washcloth. Kitten poop is stinky, sticky and gross. Jedi and Roxy wouldn't leave the kittens alone. Jedi was the worst! I don't understand how he can smell anise on a Q-tip from 3 feet away, but must stick his nose on a kitten to figure out what it is. Fortunately, the kittens are now with a more qualified foster family.

Animal Control deals with the City ordinances related to domestic animals -- leash laws, feral cats, barking, etc. In theory, wildlife calls are limited to scoop and run (i.e. sick raccoons) or the immediate safety of the public. I'm not trained or have the equipment for most wildlife, so in moist case my office refers people to wildlife specialists. I DEFINITELY don't do snake calls. That being said, I had a snake call last week. A hysterical woman called 911. The dispatcher sent me to the address to see if I could calm her down and advise her. Ahhh, the joys of working in a small town. I arrived on scene to a woman standing in the middle of the living room holding a broom. Across the room was a large, sliding glass door. Jammed up against the door frame was a 3-foot garter snake who looked just as terrified as the homeowner. I was able to open the sliding glass door and use the broom to guide the snake outside. I have never seen a snake move so fast. The way I see it, all of us wanted the same thing, but I was the only one calm enough to think it through. I wish all calls were that easy!

I had a woman call me saying that an opossum was badly tangled in a soccer net and she couldn't get it out. She wasn't exaggerating. It was a cheap, child's net that folds easily for storage. The opossum had several pieces of the net wrapped around his neck and front legs. One leg was wrapped so tightly that the foot was beginning to swell. every time someone approached the opossum he would panic and flop around, tangling himself even worse. Thankfully, the homeowner was more concerned about the animal than the net and had no problem with me cutting her son's toy to shreds. I started with the head. The poor animal probably thought I was trying to cut his head off and kept biting at the scissors. He nearly bit me twice. I ended up shoving the end of a catch pole in his mouth to keep him occupied. Once his head was free I put the catch pole around his neck. This allowed me to safely position him while I cut the net from around his legs. He wasn't cooperating! He kept grabbing at the net with his dexterous feet and prehensile tail, tangling himself more as I was working. Fortunately, I was faster than he was and after 10 minutes he was freed. He stared at me for a moment or two and then ran into the woods -- without even a thank you.

I got an email from Code Enforcement. A resident sent in a complaint stating that the neighbor behind him didn't clean her back yard and he was "tired of smelling dog shit." To be honest, there's not much I can do about it. Our ordinances state that I can write a ticket to someone who doesn't pick up poop on public property -- and even on a neighbor's property! -- but I have no authority to compel a person to clean their own property. That being said, I investigated anyway. I started with the complainant, who wasn't home. Then I went to the house in question. A teenage girl was home. I gave her my card and asked her to have her mom call me when she got home (I'm limited on what I can do/say to minors). THEN I went next door . . . And this is where the job gets weird. I knocked on the door and said:

Good Morning. I'm Officer Kelley with Small Beach Town Animal Control. I get a lot strange calls and investigate them all. That being said, may I go into your backyard and sniff for dog poop?

Yep. I did. Long story short: Didn't smell poop. Dog Owner cleaned her yard, then called to bitch about her neighbor. Complainant called (he saw me on his home surveillance) and bitched about his neighbor and his impotent HOA, the ones who should be handling this. And Next Door Neighbor knows Hysterical Snake Lady and she told him all about the incident. Luckily, she had nice things to say about me. Everybody knows everybody in Small Beach Town -- it's enough to make a girl paranoid.

All this happened in a two week period. During that time I also had cases involving: peacocks, two dogs with microchips (one was untraceable), feral cats in a trap, National Night Out, a dog bite at the pet store and crossing guard recertification. (That's one of my many "other duties as required." Click the link if you want to see some of the other weird stuff I do.) Like I've said before, this job seldom boring. -- K

Jedi's Tummy Troubles

I haven't found any formula that work as

well as the original -- skip the knockoffs!

Today I'm talking shit -- literally!

Jedi had an upset stomach last weekend, causing some pretty ugly accidents on my carpet. Thank goodness for Nature's Miracle! Except for the diarrhea, he seemed healthy and normal. Had he been bloated, lethargic or otherwise uncomfortable I would've taken him to the vet right away. However, this isn't my first poop rodeo, so I thought I'd see if we could cure it at home first.

Use100% pumpkin, not the

pumpkin pie filling.

The first thing we tried was canned pumpkin. Pumpkin is an interesting little vegetable as it helps with both diarrhea and constipation. However, it didn't help this time. Jedi ate around the pumpkin and crapped behind the couch.

We then moved on to the broth and rice regimen. Logan had a sensitive stomach so I learned to keep cooked rice in the freezer and chicken broth in the pantry. With Logan, we would skip the first meal after he threw up, and the next three would be white rice and chicken broth. By the third day he was always good to go. Unfortunately, Logan's remedy didn't quite work for Jedi. I found this rice water/chicken and rice combo and it did the trick.

Here's the recipe for a happy tummy:

LOVE the calrose rice! It's

sticky and flavorful.

• 2 cups regular white rice (not par boiled like Minute Rice)
• 2 quarts water
• 2-3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
• 4-6 jars strained chicken baby food

Put rice and water in a large pot and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for about 30 minutes until the water is white, resembling skim milk.

In a separate pot, boil chicken until well done.

Once cooled, strain rice from water. SAVE BOTH. Put rice water in clean container. Put half of the rice in a large bowl. Freeze the other half for another time. Note: you've boil the hell out of the rice and it doesn't have much flavor at this point. I label it "dog rice" and use it for upset tummy at a later time.

Once cooled, shred the chicken and combine with the reserved rice. You may want to add a little of the rice water to ensure the mixture is moist. Save the water the chicken was boiled in. I like to freeze it into cubes for summer treats.

DAY 1: Every few hours offer about 2 cups of rice water with a jar of baby food stirred in. Very important: make sure your dog has access to fresh water all day.

DAY 2: The first meal of the day is about 2 cups of rice water with a heaping cup of the chicken and rice mixture stirred in. Second meal is 2 cups chicken and rice.

DAY 3: Both meals are half regular food and half chicken and rice. If all goes well, return to normal diet the following day. Freeze any leftovers for next time.

I'm happy to report that Jedi's tummy is back to normal, no shit! (Sorry, couldn't resist.) -- K

More Work Stories

It's been a while since I've shared some of the odd things that happen at work. Don't worry, my job hasn't suddenly become normal and/or boring, I just haven't gotten around to writing things down. As usual, names and other identifying facts have been changed or omitted to protect the innocent my butt. Enjoy the madness!

Not Snowball

Ms. Russo reported that her cat, Snowball, had been
stolen. The cat had been missing for 3 months, but she just saw it in a yard next to park. (The park is a half mile away.) When Ms. Russo told the family that the cat was hers they told her to leave and threatened to call the police. Then it got weird. My conversation with Ms. Russo went something like this:

Me: Is Snowball male or female?
Her: I don't know.
Me: How long have you had Snowball?
Her: About two years.
Me: Your vet will know Snowball's sex. Why don't you call the vet's office and ask them to look it up?
Her: I've never taken Snowball to the vet.
Me: Why not? You know cats need rabies vaccinations too, right?
Her: Oh, Snowball had that when we adopted him. Or her.
Me: Great. That information should be on your adoption paperwork. Go ahead look that up. I'll wait.
Her: I don't know where that paperwork is. [Followed by some lame excuse because she doesn't know that I know she's a hoarder.]
Me: How old is Snowball?
Her: About 2 years. We got Snowball as a tiny kitten.
Me: Where did you adopt Snowball?
Her: From the Humane Society.
Me: Great. They sterilize all animals before adoption. When you got Snowball was the belly shaved or was the back end shaved?
Her: I don't remember.
Me: [exasperated]: Let's move on. Was Snowball wearing a collar?
Her: No, but there's a microchip.
Me: Great. What's the microchip number? [BTW, that info would also be in the adoption paperwork or vet records.]
Her: I don't know. You'll have to call the chip company and find out.
Me: No, you need to call the microchip company. It's your cat!

Not Snowball either

At that point I told her to look for the adoption paperwork and call me in the morning. I went and talked to the other family, who were a bit more sane. They had found the white cat a few months previously. They honestly didn't know whether or not it was the Russo's cat. I examined the cat and scanned for a microchip; there wasn't one. The following day Ms. Russo called me. She had found the adoption paperwork after all. She had the microchip number and discovered that Snowball was a boy. Surprise! I told her that the cat in question was not hers. She didn't believe me, and accused the family of cutting out the microchip. I told her if they had done that, they also performed a sex change because the cat they had was a girl.

Definitely not Snowball

I've shared this one before. Still funny though! Dispatch relayed that a citizen had called 911 to report a pig running down Main street. The pig was wearing a harness and dragging a leash behind it. I went to the reported location and sure enough, there was a pig wearing a harness. I wasn't surprised either. Why? Because it was a Monday. Mondays are always weird.


My phone rang at 6:30 one morning. The Lieutenant asked me to come in right away. There was an "incident" and they wanted my opinion before the news showed up -- and Channel 4 was on the way. Ms. Jackson, a local CCL (Crazy Cat Lady), found a dead kitten on her porch. It had been partially skinned and there was blood everywhere. She said that "obviously this was a satanic ritual," so she called the local news -- before calling the police, of course. I arrived on scene and met with the detective who was diligently taking photographs and measurements. Even crazy people get the best of service in our town! Sure enough, there was a kitten on the porch just as described. The Lieutenant asked my professional opinion. I flipped the corpse over and in my best Colombo impersonation said "foxes, not freaks." Why?

• Ms. Jackson's property butted up against the nature preserve and I'd had several complaints about foxes recently.
• The jagged edges of the skin were torn, not cut by a knife.
• The soft, internal organs were missing. Predators often eat these first.
• The body was not laid out on display. Instead, it was crumpled up in a heap in the darkest corner of the property.

Ergo, no animal sacrifices at the beach! Ms. Jackson and the police department were relieved by my determination. The News, not so much. Bloodsuckers.

Made me think of poor old Poopmeister

I received a strange complaint via email. A resident on Coastal Drive was "putting shit piles on the sidewalk and covering them with chemicals harmful to pets and children." (My first thought was "don't let your kids lick the sidewalk" but . . . ) I called the complainant. He lives around the corner from Poopmeister. Complainer said that the "chemical" was mothballs and he was upset because the poop placement meant he either had to walk in the busy street or through the stinky poop/mothball combo on his way to Starbucks. I thanked him for the information. (Psst: I didn't really mean it.) Then I went to visit Poopmeister. His house was on the main road, situated between town center and an apartment complex. His well-manicured yard was about the size of my office. (Please note: I have a teeny tiny office.) When I got there I didn't see any feces, but it did smell strongly of mothballs. Apparently Poopmeister was tired of the neighborhood dogs using his lawn as a public toilet and he blew a gasket. The most recent pile -- which "was so huge it must have been from a great Dane!" -- was the final straw, causing him to grab the shovel and start flinging poo like an angry chimpanzee. (I didn't get a clear answer about the mothballs.) Once Poopmeister calmed down he cleaned up his mess. I empathized with Poopmeister and we came up with some more constructive ways to deal with his problem. I also told him that he needed to focus on the grand scheme of things; I'd hate for him to have an aneurysm over a pile of poop. (P.S. I also spoke with several neighbors. Apparently Poopmeister is a bit of an ass and people may be letting their dogs crap in his yard intentionally just to piss him off.)

And the award goes to Chloe's dumbass owner . . .

A woman brought in a stray dog she found near the freeway. Both the woman and the dog were from outside our jurisdiction and technically we shouldn't have accepted the dog. However, the county shelter was closed and we had space, so we said we'd transfer it to the proper shelter later if we couldn't locate an owner. My partner copied the woman's driver's license and took in the pittie mix. Partner scanned the dog and discovered that she had a chip! Partner called the microchip company and the chip wasn't registered. However, it did trace back to the county shelter. The county's records showed that the chip had been implanted in a tan pit bull mix that had been adopted several months back. By whom? The woman who "found" it. But wait: that's not the surprising part.

Unfortunately, people turn in their own pets and claimed they're strays all the time. No, the kicker was when my partner contacted the woman and told her to come get her dog or be charged with abandonment the woman had the audacity to say, "That's my dog? Oh my God! I thought 'Wow it looks like Chloe,' but Chloe ran away months ago. I wondered why the dog got into my car so easily. I can't believe it!" We didn't believe it either. Talk about a Poopmeister!

This job may not be glamorous or lucrative, but it is entertaining. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up. Until next time, -- K

Oops, She Did It Again

According to Blogger, my most popular post is the one about Roxy pooping in Petsmart. (Yeah, really.) I swear we're conscientious pet owners. We walk our dogs outside in the grass before going in the store. We tell them to "Go potty." We even wait until they tell us that they don't have to go. Apparently that's not good enough, because Roxy did it again. This time in Petco.

At least she pretended to be remorseful this time. She's not, trust me.

I'm beginning to think that Roxy likes pooping in the pet store. Maybe it's her wild side peeking through. I wonder if she has a secret goal of crapping in every pet store chain in Jacksonville. Her own kind of bucket list. If so, the people at Pet Supermarket had better watch out.

It's Sepia Saturday! Click around and see what others are sharing today. -- K

Scoop Your Poop (a poem)

I'm participating in the 3rd Annual Scoop That Poop campaign. This year's theme is poetry. I'm not much of a poet, but here is an original dog poop poem from an animal control officer's point of view.

I found this on the internet, but have seen similar threats
from residents within my City. Seriously, poop is one
of my top five complaints

If on your morning walk
Sometime before dawn
Your dog should leave a present
Upon your neighbor's lawn,
Please take a moment
To pick up his poo
Because I promise that
your neighbor's watching you.

Should you leave the pile stinking
He will call me in a fit
Ranting and raving
About your puppy's shit.

Then I'll have to write you
A $50 ticket
For being too lazy
Not to just pick it.

Here's a word of warning
From an ACO
We never buy the story
That you "didn't know."

All across the country
From California to Maine
Every officer's answer
Is going to be the same:

"Whether your dog's a purebred
Or a lovable mutt
You are responsible for
What comes out his butt."


Feeling brave? Hop around to read more poop poetry. Enjoy! -- K

Be a Good Neighbor

It's already October 15th, time for another Blog the Change for Animals. Where has the year gone? I had a tough time coming up with something to say. I wanted to share from my experience as an animal control officer but how do I follow My Crazy Job and I Am Not the Dreaded Dog Catcher? To top it off, today was a crappy day and I'm not really liking my job right now. I looked at my top five calls and realized that if people would just try to be better neighbors my job would be obsolete. My biggest time killers are:

1. CATS -- Here's a big shocker: not everybody likes cats. And cats don't care if you like them or not. My job would be so much easier if people kept their cats inside (BTW, leash laws apply to cats as well as dogs in my city). Cat owners always say "My cat never leaves the yard." Truth is, cats don't give a damn about property lines. They poop, spray, wander, scratch and lay wherever they want. They stalk lizards and bird feeders regardless of whose yards they're in. Your less-than-cat-loving neighbor shouldn't have to put up with your pets. An unaltered cat will make and have kittens as often as possible, which adds to the problem. And my number one complaint with cat owners: people who move and leave their cats behind. Those people SUCK!


2. DOGS AT LARGE -- That's legalese for "running amok." Dogs are experts at finding holes in the perimeter. They just know when a gate is unlocked, a slat is loose or a door is left open. I wish people would keep Fido from taking himself for a walk. Even worse though are the people who intentionally leave gates and doors open because the are too lazy to walk the their pets. And then there are the real jerks who feel that the leash law doesn't apply to them because 1) they pay X amount in taxes 2) my job is to [fill in the blank with something they're not doing at the moment] or 3) "they're good dogs" (yes, I hear it all). Another shocker: not everybody likes dogs either.


3. NOISE -- Pet owners are masters of tuning out their animals' barking, squawking and howling; unfortunately, their neighbors are not. Noise complaints go up this time of year. The weather is cooling and people are leaving their windows open. At the same time dogs and pet birds (yes, I get parrot complaints) are spending more time outside. I get dragged into it because Mrs. Jones is too chicken to tell Mrs. Smith that her pets are whooping it up and it's annoying.


4. POOP -- Seriously people, pick up after your pets! No one likes to dig cat poop out of their children's sand box or stick their hands in it while gardening. (Trust me, those are some angry calls.) Likewise, people don't like steaming piles of dog crap in their yards, on the sidewalks or between their toes while walking on the beach. They also don't like to sit on their porch while the smell of s**t is wafting from your yard.


5. IMPOUND & BOARDING -- I spend entirely too much time housing, feeding, walking and cleaning up after other people's pets. Please invest in microchips, collars and tags. Check them periodically to make sure they are legible. If you move or change your number, update your chips and tags. Other things: 1) Buy a tag with your name and number; don't rely on the rabies tag from your vet/county. Those offices are closed on evenings, weekends and holidays. It can take days for them to return my call. 2) Microchips migrate and/or fail. Have your vet check the location and operability of microchips at your annual check-up. 3) Teach your cat to wear a collar. People tell me all the time "I'm afraid she'll hang herself." In nine years I have never seen a cat hang itself (um, they make breakaway collars). However, I have seen thousands of cats euthanized because an owner couldn't be found. And even inside cats get out sometimes.

These five items take up about 90% of my time. Just imagine what I could do if people were responsible pet owners and considerate neighbors. I could be proactive, making the city a better place for people and animals alike. Instead, I spend the day trying to make everybody get along. (I fail. A lot.)

Fortunately, there are people doing wonderful things for animals right now. Even better, many of them have blogged about it today. Hop around and see they have to say. There are some great posts out there and I will share my favorites with you later. Until then, be nice. -- K

P.S. Please hold the hate mail. I really do like cats.

She Did WHAT?!

 

I am soooo embarrassed. I took Roxy to Petsmart to buy dog food and she took a dump right in the middle of the dog food aisle! So what's a girl to do? I told her she was a bad dog, cleaned it up . . . and took a picture Dog Shaming style.

Have you seen this site? People post pictures of their dogs with signs stating the "horrible" things they've done. Things like "I humped the cat" or "I eat Mommy's shoes." Sometimes there's pictures of the evidence. I think it's hilarious. I laugh so hard that I can't breathe. Hubby just rolls his eyes and asks "Are you looking at bad dog pictures again?" If you haven't seen Dog Shaming click on the link and check it out -- I'll wait.

Did you see it? Are you wiping tears out of your eyes? Well, apparently not everybody thinks it's funny. I've read complaints that the site is cruel, mean-spirited and the incidents are a result of bad owners. Give me a break! Here's my take on it:

• These dogs are not being abused. Sometimes the dogs look remorseful, though every dog owner knows they're not. Dogs live in the moment -- that's one of the great parts about being a dog! The remorseful look is a ruse. Pepper was an expert at looking sad and submissive, especially if she thought she could get something edible out of it. Logan looked guilty anytime I used a stern voice, regardless of what he'd done or what was being said. If I lowered my tone and said "Who wants a cookie?" he would drop his ears and flash the puppy-dog eyes. Roxy, on the other hand, doesn't feel remorse or shame for anything. I've seen her drop a grown man with a headbutt to the groin and then jump in circles, thinking it's part of the game.


• This site is not mean. All dog owners have "bad dog" stories. We share them with a laugh, often trying to one-up each other. But it's always done affectionately. Think Marley and Me (the book, not the crappy movie). Bad dog stories bring back good memories. For example: Pepper and I fought over the kitchen trash her entire life. It was exasperating. I would buy new trash cans, booby trap trash cans, scold her anytime she went near the trash can -- but she didn't care. She wanted what was in the can so badly that it was worth the price. She was a hardheaded bitch. She would spread trash all over the house. The only thing we could do was take the trash out regularly -- it didn't always work. If Dog Shaming had been around I would have posted her trashy face on it a dozen times!! Yet I would gladly clean up table scraps and coffee grounds everyday if it meant that I could have Pepper back.


• Of course these events could have been prevented!! In hindsight, I should have waited outside Petsmart a little longer so Roxy could do her business beforehand. When viewing Dog Shaming pictures critically, you can say that these dogs should have been better supervised, items should have been picked up, doors could have closed. But that's not the point of this site. This is a place where dog owners can share their frustrations with other dog people who "get it." Truth is, our beloved companions are still dogs, and dogs do weird things. They eat cat poop, they drink out of the toilet, they shred things with wild abandon.

So, the lesson learned from today's event is: Dogs will be dogs, and sometimes dogs do things that embarrass their owners. Instead of getting mad, take a picture and have a good laugh. Before I go, I'm going to share a couple Dog Shaming pictures that had me crying earlier. I apologize in advance if you don't see the humor. -- K