Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Sarcasm Among Friends

I'm trying to convince myself to fork out
the money to buy this shirt
I admitted to you earlier that my life is crazy. I've also told you in the past that my job has its crazy moments. In fact, work stories are my most popular posts that don't involve Russians and poop. I swear I'm not making this stuff up! To prove it to you, I've cut and pasted texts and Facebook posts sent to my closest friends as things were happening. As usual, names have been redacted to protect my ass.
WARNING: Unedited Kelley contains profanity and heavy sarcasm. Sensitive people should leave now. I promise to be more civilized tomorrow. Maybe.
These were texted to an ACO friend:

This is what I came into this morning: Some idiot saw a raccoon in his yard “during the day.” Instead of shooing it away he decided to kill it with an axe. Blood spattered all over him and now he's freaking the fuck out. "OMG, What if it has rabies?" Dumbass. Plus, there's a dead sea turtle on the beach, feral cats are running amok at the condos and somehow a 12-year old got bit by a 3-legged dog. I've only been here three hours. Shoot me now!

My you're-not-going-to-believe-it story for today: I get a call about a dog running at large. When I get the dog, the complainant says the same dog has been out multiple times in the past 3-4 days. Before I can leave the scene, a woman drives up and says that it's her dog. And then she starts yelling at me for picking it up because she “would have gotten it eventually.” No shit! The kicker: she knows her fence is busted, but let's dog out anyway. She's really nasty too. I tell her that I'm citing her for RAL. First said she won't give me her license. Changes her mind when I told her no license, no dog; I won't release dog to anonymous people. Then she won't give me her local address (has an out-of-state license). So I call for an assist. [Redacted] shows up with his trainee. I write the ticket but woman wouldn't quit arguing. Then she says she isn't going to leave until PD does because she's afraid we're going to talk about her. She continues to argue. [Redacted] again tells her she should take her dog home. "No, I want to know what you're talking about.” So he says, “We can talk about the fact that your plates are expired, but I really think you should just go home.” She can’t take a hint and continues to argue! (And I'M the unreasonable bitch?!) So [redacted] asks for her license, registration and proof of insurance. When I left the scene she was receiving yet another ticket. Some people need to learn to shut. the. fuck. up.

The following were FB posts. It was a rough week.

Hubby posted this on Facebook and
tagged me. He wrote "I saw this and
immediately thought of my wife!
Those of you who actually know her,
know how true this!" Thanks Honey.
Dear Animal Lovers: Things die -- pelicans, turtles, raccoons, armadillos, squirrels, cats, etc. Sometimes they even die on the beach. It's OK. Yes, I know that there are children out there who might see them. They'll be fine. I promise you, many people have seen a dead animal and gone on to live happy, productive lives.

[Caller was worried that children might see a dead armadillo on the beach. I didn't tell him that as a child I used to poke dead squirrels with a stick. It might not have helped my argument.]

Dear Animal Lovers: Ducks are allowed to eat alongside a busy road. You don't have to call the police. P.S. True story!

[Caller wanted Animal Control to help the ducks cross the street. Yes, the dispatcher reminded Caller that ducks can fly. Caller was adamant and I was sent to the location anyway. Ducks, however, did not want assistance and were left alone.]

Dear Animal Lovers: It's not considered "rescue" if you take in a sick, emaciated dog only to dump it on Animal Control 24 hours later. The fact that your own dog is dog aggressive (and you knew it before hand) is just a lame excuse. BTW, if you had left the animal with the piece of shit owner and called us instead, we may have been able to file cruelty charges. You're not a "big-hearted rescuer," you're an enabler. P.S. Right now I hate Animal Planet. It gives too many stupid people delusions of grandeur.

[Idiot.]

Today's Public Service Announcement: It's hot outside. If you're taking your wife out for brunch, please leave your dogs at home. If you leave them in the car you WILL receive a $505 cruelty ticket. Yes, Animal Control works on Mothers Day.

[Guess who was a real mother on Mothers Day -- ME! BTW, it was 85 degrees outside and the dogs were wearing sweaters. Stupid UF Gator sweaters at that!]

I posted this picture on Facebook. (Seriously, who doesn't love Achmed the Dead Terrorist?) Anyway, under the picture I wrote "I'm in a particularly foul mood today. Please note that all emails and texts will be dripping with sarcasm. Also, if you see a fork in my hand make sure to cover your eyes. I swear, I'm going to fork somebody today!"

Some days I really hate my job. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me. But I ask myself, "Where would I go? What would I do?" Surely an office job wouldn't provide stories like this. And do I really want to be tied to a desk all day? Then I put on my big-girl panties and try to find the humor in things. As my father used to tell me:
Sometimes life gets to a point where all you can do is laugh or cry. You may as well laugh; crying will just mess up your makeup.
Hope you had a good chuckle at my expense. Later, - - K