Thursday, May 5, 2016

My Head Hurts!

NOT one of the 13 photos. Too bad,
because this one's cute!
File this one under WTF. Last month my office got the strangest email accompanied by 13 unimpressive pictures of a pit bull mix. Thirteen! I can't begin to describe the email, so I'll just post it right here. Verbatim. Normally I change or redact names and addresses when sharing work-related things. (You know, to protect my ass.) However, "Cookie" didn't leave any real contact information. The only thing I have is a strange email address. And since all my emails are considered public record, I figured there was no harm in sharing this.
Subject: neglect and abuse

Dear Animal Control,

My name is Cookie, I am a three year old terrier mix. my mom adopted me from the humane society after some bad guy put me and my brother and sister in a box and threw us over a fence. I am special, I don't hear very well and I don't know how to bark. I cry when my mommy or sister leave , but I am so lucky my sister is not working so she sits out side with me in the afternoon and when mommy comes home I get to play outside again. about three weeks ago it got sunny and the temperature was comfortable enough so I could hang outside all day. I kinda dig holes and break collars so mom keeps me on my chain and in my kennel when nobody is outside with me. I wont be outside too long though it will soon be too hot. I have a chip in my ear if I get lost, I am fixed and my mom takes me to the wallgreens pet bus for all my shots.I really love my mom. on Friday a mean person complained about me and mommy who suffers from PTSD and a heart mermer kinda freaked out , you see she loves me so much she was terrified some bad guys would come take me away. she asked all her church family and friends to help. i went to visit grandma while mommy tries to get in tough with you guys but you never answer your phone, I wanted to help so I let my Mommy take lots of pictures and video so you guys might not scare my mommy and might not take me away.
I KNOW! My first thought was "What kind of meds are you taking?!" (According to HR I'm not allowed to ask that. Stupid HR.) I spent 20 minutes writing, deleting and rewriting my response because sarcasm is frowned upon as well. (Seriously, HR takes the fun out of everything!) I ended up sending a short, humorless message stating:
It would be helpful if you told us who you are (the human) and where you live. Also, please tell us the exact nature of your concern/complaint. Are you asking about tying your dog outside? About keeping your dog outside in warmer temperatures? About your dog digging out and getting loose? Did you receive barking complaint? I have attached a copy of the ordinances. Maybe they can answer your questions. Please call if you’d like to discuss this further. Unfortunately, things didn’t translate well through email. Please leave a message and we will get back to you as soon as possible.
See, no sarcasm whatsoever. (That was tough!) To be honest, what I wanted to write was something along the lines of:
Dear Cookie,
I am very impressed that you can use email. However, your spelling and punctuation make your message difficult to read. Also, you seem to have a hard time staying on topic. I realize that short attention spans are common among dogs. Please have your mommy proofread your email before sending.
Two weeks went by without any contact so I assumed that Cookie's mom found the answer she was looking for. I. WAS. WRONG. We got another email yesterday. You know what? I should have stuck with Cookie! Who would have guessed that the dog was the brains of the group?

The second email was written from the human but it made no sense at all. Still no name or a specific concern. However, there were three paragraphs about us not knowing and her not giving us an address. I won't even repeat the derogatory insults. What's a girl to do? Forward it to my boss with a gentle reminder that he makes the "big bucks" to handle the difficult issues -- and then quote Lethal Weapon. I identify with Murtaugh more and more every year.

Ruckus the American Eskimo Dog Blog

It's Thoughtless Thursday! And if you define thoughtless as "devoid of the capacity or faculty of thinking or reasoning" then Cookie's mom definitely qualifies! Click around below and see what others are thinking -- or NOT thinking -- about today. Thanks to Ruckus and friends for hosting
this weekly hop. -- K