Alternative Dog Show Terms

Well-known owner/breeder/handler/judge Jimmy Moses with
a GSD at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show

I've shared dog show terminology and anatomy with you in the past. The other day I found a list of alternative terms online and I've been giggling ever since. I wish I knew the original author so I could give her proper credit. Anyway, here are some of my favorites:

Angulation -- The degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress a judge.

Balance -- 1) How to arrange the checkbook so your husband won't know how much money you spent on dog shows. 2) Ability to hold coffee, a donut, leash, treats, and entry form all at once.

Bitch -- 1) The proper name for a female dog. 2) A name often heard at dog shows, not always describing a female dog.

Crabbing -- What you do when the judge doesn't like your dog.

Dam -- 1) A female dog with puppies. 2) An expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

Distemper -- Shown by those competitors who just lost to somebody they can't stand.

Dog -- To chase a judge from show to show an effort to obtain more breed wins.

Elbow -- A method of getting to ringside quickly when late.

Expression -- The sweet look adopted by hungry dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

Fancier -- The degree to which some handlers dress more than others.

Heel -- 1) What you feel like when your dog beats the one you just sold to an eager novice. 2) An expression often screamed to attract the attention of suddenly deaf dogs.

Hock -- A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.

Litter -- Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

Mask -- What you wear when you have to show your gorgeous pick-of-the-litter that fell apart a week before the show.

Muzzle -- What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call them last night.

Overshot -- Running so fast that you pass the first place ring marker and plow into the judge and stewards.

My mantra for the next 2 weeks

Points -- Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

Puppies -- Small, dog-like food processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies. (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with leaky systems, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)

The confirmation letter for Trooper's first shows came in the mail last week. As the 22nd approaches I'm getting more and more nervous. (Yes, I know it's counter-productive, but I can't seem to help myself.) This silly list helped me lighten up for a bit. I hope it made you giggle too. See you around the ring, -- K