Dear ACO

I read Dear Abby every morning. My husband swears that the letters are made up because "surely people can't be that stupid." I, on the other hand, believe the letters are real because I deal with equally stupid people every day. But unlike Abby, I must give politically correct answers and advice, when I'd really like to say "Are you serious?!" Below are real calls that I received last month written in Dear Abby style, along with the kind of answers I'd like to give. Enjoy!

 

 

DEAR ACO: There is a wild bird inside my house. I know I don't live in your city, but you're the only Animal Control Agency open on Sunday. Will you come get it? -- BIRD BRAIN

 

DEAR B. BRAIN: No, I'm not driving outside my jurisdiction to remove a bird. However, I think you can do this yourself, so I'll walk you through it.

1. Open your front door.
2. Use a broom to shoo the bird toward the door.
3. When the bird flies out, close the door. 

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DEAR ACO: My dog has become listless and isn't eating. She's throwing up and has diarrhea. I think it might be the flu, but my boyfriend thinks it might be Parvo. Veterinarians are too expensive, so we're asking you instead. What do you think? -- SICK PUPPY

DEAR SICK: I think you should take your dog to the vet!

 

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DEAR ACO: There are ducks playing in a puddle in Dollar Store's parking lot. I don't think it's safe for the ducks to be there because they might get hit by a car. I've left three messages on your voicemail in the past 30 minutes and nobody has come out yet to help these ducks! -- DOLLAR STORE MANAGER

 

DEAR MANAGER: Put your leadership skills to use. Send one of your employees outside to scare the ducks off. A loud "GO!" coupled with arm waving works well. 

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DEAR ACO: I hear scratching noises in my attic. I think there might be a squirrel up there. Or maybe a rat. Or even a raccoon. What do you think it is? Will you crawl in my attic and check for me? What if it has babies? What if it chews on electrical wires? -- DUMBFOUNDED DOWNSTAIRS

DEAR DUMB: I am Animal Control, not Pest Control. I think your concerns are valid. I suggest you call an exterminator. Soon!

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DEAR ACO: My neighbor's dog barks its head off during the day when he's at work. I don't think my neighbor knows because the dog quiets down once my neighbor comes home. I'm a stay-at-home mom and can't take the noise anymore. What should I do? -- QUIET GIRL

 

DEAR QUIET: Speak up and talk to your neighbor. He can't fix the problem if he doesn't know it exists. 

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DEAR ACO: Raccoons keep eating the food I put out for my cats. I'm spending way too much money on cat food every month. The raccoons are getting fat but my cats are going hungry. Even worse, the raccoons have torn up my screened-in porch to get at the food and are pooping on my deck. What should I do? -- HIGH RANKING CITY OFFICIAL

DEAR BOSS: Stop feeding your cats outside.

 

Yes, those were real calls, though I changed the names to protect the innocent me. I can say one thing: this job is seldom boring!

It's Thoughtless Thursday! Click around and see what others are thinking -- or not thinking -- about today. -- K