From the Phone Log

I have a phone log at work. I record all the phone calls that come into the office including names, dates, times, addresses, when the call was returned, the nature of the call and any notes about the conversation. I use Excel spreadsheets because they're convenient and searchable. FYI: That log has saved my butt several times. I'm not saying that residents lie -- but several have over-exaggerated and/or omitted information when lodging complaints to my boss. I know! Not only do the logs keep me informed and protect my heinie, they can also be entertaining. Sometimes the messages left on my machine are down right hysterical. Here are some of my favorites from the past few months. As usual, it's all true, but I have changed addresses and street names to protect the innocent ME! Enjoy.

• Caller wants to report a kitten that was hit and killed on Mayfield Road earlier today. It's before you get to the little park on the right. She doesn't know what street that is but wants to know if somebody picked it up. Kelley's Notes: Mayfield Road is 10 miles long and crosses two jurisdictions. The caller didn't leave a name or phone number so I couldn't get any additional information. I haven't received any other calls, so I'm assuming it's either gone or not on our part of Mayfield Road.


• Caller thinks there is something living in the storm drain on the corner of Davis and Petunia because his dog won’t leave it alone when they go for a walk. He wants to know if I'm brave enough to stick my face in the hole and take a look. Kelley's notes: I am not. Whatever is there will have to stay there.


• Caller saw our "found dog" ad on Craigslist. She wants to know if it's hers. She is missing an intact red-nosed pit bull, male. He's been gone since March (two months), thinks he got out through a hole in the fence. No microchip, she doesn't believe in those. No collar, dog "never leaves the yard." Kelley's notes: It's not her dog. Our dog is a female Chihuahua mix. BTW, the ad has a picture.


• Caller saw a "malnutritious puppy" on Franco Street. Kelley's notes: Good thing we don't eat dog! Seriously, patrol area and look for a skinny dog.


• A woman has a stray cat that has been hanging around for years; they "kind of adopted him." The cat has started acting up, scratching people and dogs walking by her house. She's looking for advice before deciding whether or not to euthanize the cat. Kelley's notes: I suggested having a vet rule out any medical issues before euthanizing. The cat could be in pain and acting out to keep from getting hurt. She said she hadn't thought of that. You're welcome kitty!


• The dogs at 1401 Adams bark at the garbage men on Thursday mornings. The neighbor at 1399 yells, screams and bangs on fence at the dogs. Caller works nights and wants everybody to "just shut the fuck up" so he can get some sleep. Kelley's notes: Contact dog owner and suggest dogs be contained inside the house on Thursday mornings between 8 and 10.


• A squirrel fell into her pool. She fished it out and wants to know what to do with it. It's breathing but not moving. She doesn't know if it's "brain dead or just resting." Kelley's notes: When I called back she stated that the squirrel had gotten up and ran away. I'd guess it was just resting.


• Ducks keep flying into his pool. They show up around 5:30 every night. Kelley's notes: ??


• There is a dead cat on Cedar Drive. The vultures are eating it. "It looks like the Serengeti over here!" Kelley's notes: LOL!


• There's a stray gray pit bull at the Villas. The dog is very friendly, but he keeps attacking leaf blower. The lawn guy can't finish and we pay him by the hour. Kelley's notes: I picked up the dog. He was very friendly.


• The neighbors are letting their cat out and it's attacking everybody else's cats. They won’t get it fixed. She thinks the other neighbor, Larry, will hurt the cat. She wants something done right away. She'll do whatever it takes. Kelley's notes: 20 minutes later she called back saying she changed her mind and doesn’t want to get involved. Larry is her son’s father. Please don’t do anything, and don’t say anything to the neighbors about the cat. She doesn’t want any trouble.


• Caller says there's an opossum outside her window during the day. She thinks it has rabies. Kelley's notes: I told her not to worry. It's not uncommon for opossums to be out during the day. I also told her that an opossum's body temperature is too low to support the rabies virus. It's not rabid. She told me I was lying.


• Ms. Taylor says that something is digging holes under her house. It's agitating her dogs and they're keeping her up all night. She's frustrated. If she catches it can she kill it? Kelley's notes: I gave her the number to the Florida Wildlife Commission and told her that it was illegal to discharge a firearm in the city limits.

As I've said before, this job is seldom boring. I couldn't make up anything this bizarre if I tried.

It's Thoughtless Thursday! Click around and see what others are thinking -- or not thinking -- about today. -- K