Friday, June 20, 2014

No Questions Please

It happened again. I was out in uniform and I got the "Can I ask you a question?" I should have said not now, should have handed him my card and said "Call my office in the morning." But no. I thought I could help. I listened to his question. And this one was a doozy. It went something like this:

Guy: "If I neuter my dog will he stop peeing in the house?"

Me: "That would depend on why he's peeing in the house in the first place."

Guy: "He's spiteful." [Note to self: I should have walked away here.]

Me: "I doubt he's doing it to just to make you mad. There's got to be a reason, and it makes perfect sense to him. What kind of dog is he? How old is he? Is it sudden or has he been doing it for a while?"

Guy: "He's a pug. He's 7. He does it all the time."

Me: "Have you taken him to the vet? Maybe he has a urinary tract infection. Maybe his bladder is just not big enough to hold it for as long as you're asking. You really should talk to your vet."

Guy: Mumbles about spending money, then says "None of my other dogs do it."

Me: "How many other dogs do you have? What sexes? Are they fixed?"

Guy: "Two females, two other males. Some are fixed, but not all."

Me: "It could be a group dynamics thing. Perhaps you should fix all the dogs. It might remove any hormone-driven issues. You might also want to consult an animal behaviorist. Your vet can help you find one."

Guy: Complains again about the cost of a vet. Asks if there are any cheaper solutions. [Note to self: SHUT UP! RUN AWAY!]

Me: "What are you using to clean up the mess?"

Guy: "Murphy's Oil Soap."

Me: "You need to use an enzyme cleaner. Your dog's superior nose can smell the urine and he will return to the same spot. Buy enzyme cleaner. Get Nature's Miracle -- it's in a white bottle with red lettering -- NOT the crap from Wal-Mart. Follow the directions exactly. It's not cheap, but it's worth the money."

Guy: "Anything else?"

Me: "Yes. You're going to have to retrain your dog. Limit his access to the house. Buy a crate. Set up a dog-safe area in your home for him when you're at work. When you're home, keep him on a short leash and keep an eye on him. Pretend he's a puppy again. Call a trainer. Or look up Dr. Ian Dunbar on the internet, he's got some great tips on this."

Guy: Complains about the time and money this "damn dog" is going to cost.

Me: In the most pleasant tone I can muster, "Yes. Dogs are expensive. And time consuming. If that's too much for you, I can help you find him a more suitable home."

Guy: "Oh no! I won't do that. He's full-blooded!" [Note to self: Don't say it!]
My new motto! Seriously, I need to stay out of other
people's craziness. I have enough of my own.
Me: "They're all full of blood. Anything less and they die." Snicker. Anyone?

Guy: Looks at me like I have two heads. [Told you! See my feelings about "full-blooded" and more here.]

Me: "I really have to go now. You have a good day." I DID NOT say "idiot" aloud. I hope.

I'm sure nothing is going to change with Askhole. The only thing that changed was my mood. I went from PFK to pissed off. And I'm never getting those 15 minutes of my life back. -- K

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